Ghosts

I spent this year living with a ghost

I could never figure out how to rid myself of it

And in the darkest night, when I was overwhelmed

I suppose I became a ghost as well

-JJ

Showing Off

July 18, 2015 I prayed for God to show off in my life.  I didn’t even know what I was praying for, I didn’t know what I meant by that, other than to use me for His glory.  To show me something big.  To use me in a big way.

August 23, 2015  God works really fast.  And He has a really big sense of humor.  He answers prayers, I am going to show you.

It was a Sunday.  I was woken at 5am with intense pain in my back.  I have never felt anything so bad.  I am very hard headed, thought I was fine.  I spent the whole day laying in the floor, it was the only thing I could do.  I told my friends I must have slept wrong.  I was crying.

August 24, 2015  The pain in my back spread to my stomach.  I was nauseous.  I was too dizzy to stand.  By the afternoon, I was vomiting.

6:00 p.m.  Rushed to the hospital.  I have never been scared for myself.  I was scared.

6:30 p.m.  I was coding, I was dying, the doctors said if I hadn’t come right then I would have died.

Acute renal failure, both kidneys.  A bilateral kidney infection.  A urinary tract infection.  Kidney stones.  Blood pressure so high I was technically in cardiac arrest.  Dehydrated so badly they couldn’t even draw blood from my veins.

Stage 5 kidney failure/disease. This is the final stage.  I had no prior medical problems and no warning or symptoms.  Stage 5 – only small chance of survival and only with dialysis or kidney transplant.

August 25, 2015  My condition worsened.  Every number on my blood work that needed to be lowered, rose.  ICU.

The next 3 days were very difficult.  Lots of questions, no answers.  They didn’t know why this was happening.  So they couldn’t fix it.  I was dying.  I was in pain.  I was still smiling.

Faith does not mean you believe God will give you what you want.  Faith does not mean that you should pray for healing, and expect it.  Faith is trusting God’s plan, God’s will, God’s infinite wisdom and His faithfulness.  It is trusting that He is with you, no matter the outcome, and that the outcome will be to His glory and the best possible conclusion – even if you never know everything that happened from it.

I never once doubted my God.  I got scared, of course.  But not of His plan, not of His will.  I knew that He was with me, I knew that if I were still, He would fight my battle for me.  I became still.

August 27, 2015  Still no answers.  Doctors, specialists, even infectious disease around me.  No one could figure out why I was dying or why my kidneys were failing.  I posted this to my Facebook page:

Awhile ago, I asked God to show off in my life. And God has a twisted sense of humor, just like me. Because I think I see what He’s doing. God, You always answer prayer. Because You lean down to listen, I will pray for the rest of my life. What a merciful God. 
Just because prayer isn’t answered the way you think it should be, no doubt that the universe is unfolding exactly the way it should. He answers prayer in a divine way, for the best possible results. 
Jesus, I pray You use my life to shine for You, that no matter what lay ahead of me You give me grace and strength so I will glorify You in every way. If healing is Your will, show me Your plan for my life. If Your will is not another day on this Earth for me, help me be a testament to others on Your love and grace, let my faith shine through any darkness.
Thank You God, for answering prayer. I will be still, for I know when I am still You fight all battles for me. Thank you for fighting for me.

August 28, 2015 Inexplicably, my creatinine levels were down.  Back to a normal range.  Everything was down.  The specialist said there was nothing they could do for me in the hospital anymore, I was not in danger, I was being released and would follow up the next business day at the nephrologist’s office.

I didn’t understand what they were saying.  I was just dying a minute ago.  I was being discharged?  It happened really fast.  Next thing I knew, I was home.

The next few days were really hard.  I was re-hospitalized twice, new symptoms of high fever and worsening pain.  I was sent home within a day each time.  Everything was actually improving, I was still getting better even with the appearance of a setback.

September 4, 2015  Been to several doctors since I have been discharged.  I am making a full recovery.  My kidneys are in full functionality.  I am still in a little pain, but today I went out to dinner with friends in high heels.  This is not even 2 weeks since I was told I was dying.

I was standing in my bedroom this morning.  A grin swept over my face. No doctor could explain why it happened.  No doctor could explain how I came out of it.  But I could.

God was showing off in my life.  

God was answering prayer.  My prayer.  And maybe no one else will ever know it or fully understand.  Or maybe this is my testament.  But I know.  I know exactly what happened here.  And because God leans down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath.  Let Your spirit pray through me.

I thank my Father in Heaven for answering my prayer.  For showing off in my life.  For bringing me back from death when it made no sense.  What a show off He can be.  And I love it.